


Deep down inside me, there's you

by Cali_se



Series: Deep [4]
Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 23:16:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12352551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cali_se/pseuds/Cali_se
Summary: Deeper and deeper in...





	Deep down inside me, there's you

**Author's Note:**

> The fourth part of the "Deep" series.

Driving back from Jesse's house, alone now with his thoughts, Walt finds himself wondering if he might be going a little crazy. This is all so fast, so intense. Is it all due to the cancer diagnosis, he wonders, the potential loss of time he'd once thought would be his without question? Or is it simply a midlife crisis? The fifty year old guy hooking up with a twenty-something pretty thing with issues? Well, mad or sane, the events of the last few hours have melted into his marrow and settled there: the slow, sensual sex that served to bond them still further, the tender words they'd uttered, Jesse's tears... 

Leaving had been particularly hard this time.

And now Walt has another plan in mind: to go away with Jesse for an entire weekend. It's definitely next on the agenda if he has his way, and potential details of the trip fill his mind already. Guilt comes and goes, sharp jabs hit now and then, but so far it's been much more manageable than he ever thought it would be. He figures it's because he's living in two different worlds. He's always been the faithful husband and loving father. That world still exists. If he's really clever (and he is), the two worlds will never collide. Nothing will ever have to give. Or so he hopes.

***

The diner is busy. Walt spots Jesse seated in the corner, his expression pensive. He catches sight of Walt and half smiles, and then waves. Walt mouths ‘Another?’ and Jesse nods, his nervous fingers playing with a plastic sauce bottle shaped like a tomato. Walt feels a wicked frisson at the sight of him: he'd bet anything Jesse has been sitting there awhile, anxiously wondering why he's been asked to meet him here. He can't wait to watch the worry turn to excitement all because of him. 

As Walt sits down at the table, Jesse shifts forward and fixes his concerned gaze on him. Walt valiantly resists the urge to lean over and kiss him until he moans. 

"So, why'd you call me out here?" Jesse asks. "What couldn't you tell me on the phone?"

"Nothing. I just thought it best to tell you face to face."

"Tell me what?"

"Okay." Walt takes a breath and sighs it out. "I've been thinking, Jesse. Maybe we should think about--"

"--I knew it. I fucking--"

"--going away together for a long weekend."

"--knew it... Huh?" 

Walt smiles (a little smugly, he has to admit) and sips his coffee. "How about it?" he asks. "A couple of nights away?"

"Oh man, I thought you were going to say let's call it quits again."

"Well, it has to be said, Jesse, that would be the sensible, appropriate path to take. But since when were we taking the sensible path here? And we tried it, remember? The flame hasn’t been extinguished, has it? This thing we have between us... Dammit, Jesse, I need this. I don't know why I do, or how..." Walt shakes his head and takes a sip of his coffee. "All I know is, I just can't get enough of you."

They look around the crowded diner. It's suddenly way too public. Jesse leans forward and whispers in a low, conspiratorial tone. "Do you wanna go for a drive?"

Walt thinks for a moment. But only for a moment. "Your car or mine?"

***

Another thirty minutes or so out on the road has taken them to a small, anonymous motel. Jesse's at an open window, leaning on the sill smoking a cigarette, naked except for Walt's shirt draped around him. Walt watches him, mesmerised by the way his lips wrap themselves around the tip of his cigarette. He shouldn't really be smoking, but they've figured, in the grand scheme of things, that one more teensy transgression won't hurt. Besides, they're at the back of the building, hidden away, and Jesse is an expert at putting out cigarettes in the blink of an eye, something he became well practised at when he still lived with his parents.

"So where are we going for the weekend?" Jesse asks. 

"Oh... I haven't decided yet," Walt says. "Somewhere out of the way where we can just kick back and do whatever the hell we want to."

Jesse smiles and nods in approval. "Mr White just kicking back, yo. Cool!" He puts out his cigarette and wafts away the residual haze of smoke as Walt pats the bed beside him.

"Come here, Jesse."

Jesse lies back down and rests his head on Walt's chest, his arm around his waist. Walt puts his arm around him in turn, feels him snuggle closer.

"Oh man, that was intense," Jesse says. "I swear I never came like that before I started doing it with you. I think I passed out for a second there."

"It was beautiful, Jesse," Walt says, as he runs his fingers though Jesse's hair. "Something... ah, something I can't put into words happens when we make love. It's..." His voice trails off and he doesn't attempt to catch it.

They lie quietly for a while, wrapped up in each other, listening to the wind rattling the motel sign outside. They don't say _I love you_ this time. They don't need to. It's stitched like silver thread into the very fabric of their union. 

Jesse gets up first to shower. Walt watches him as he moves away from their embrace. Things are all kinds of wrong: he may or may not make it past fifty one, he's living several lives while trying to hold on to one, the lies are piling up and he's breaking the law right under the DEA's nose; but somehow, post-coital Jesse standing before him, wrapped only in his shirt, brings him a sense of contentment, of _achievement_ , he hasn't known for quite a while. _Partners in crime_ he thinks, and wonders if that contributes to the thrill of it all. Because, despite what he said to Jesse about thrill seeking not being a motive, this is undoubtedly thrilling. 

He listens to the sound of water running, thinks he hears Jesse singing... 

And he can't resist.

Jesse, apparently, is expecting him. He reaches for him and pulls him in, and their mouths meet beneath the cascade. Jesse moans into their kiss as Walt takes hold of him and starts to stroke. It doesn't take long; Walt knows his stuff, knows how to touch Jesse just right. As his climax nears, Jesse leans against Walt, his head resting on his shoulder. Walt loves this, loves the act of making Jesse come, loves how Jesse can't help yielding to him. He feels powerful and in awe all at once. It's a heady mix and he cannot imagine being without it now. 

***

When Jesse drops Walt back at the diner to collect his car, Walt silently acknowledges the fact that neither of them has said much more than a couple of words the whole way - and they've been completely silent for the past twenty minutes.

It's not until Jesse has parked up that he breaks the silence. "Mr White?"

"Yes?"

"The weekend we talked about?"

"Mm."

"Well, why don't we go away, and just keep on going? You know? I mean, just... take off. I've been thinking about it. We can take my share of the money. You can give your folks what you've made so far, while you're still here to see them get it." 

Walt shakes his head. "That's not how it's supposed to go, Jesse. And besides, it wouldn't be enough.""I was thinking we could make more, send it on."

"Do you honestly think they'd accept it? I can't leave my family. I don't know how you can ask that of me."

Jesse fixes his eyes on Walt as his brow darkens and furrows. "Really? You don't know how? Like you never thought about it when we were together in that room today, or a few days ago in my bed? And that fancy hotel before that? You took me there because that first time felt so fucking good and we both needed more, remember? And you said it yourself in the diner today, you still can't get enough. You said how hard it was to leave me. Well, think about it, you don't _need_ to leave. We could be together every single night if we--"

"Jesse, stop. Please. I can't. That's all there is to it. We're going to enjoy this while it lasts, however long it lasts. You're still young, you might tire of it. You might decide you don't want to be with someone who's going disappear on you in a year or so's time--"

"You don't know for sure you'll--"

Walt holds up his hand. "Like I said, Jesse, I don't know how this thing will go. Neither of us knows what the future holds, for me, for you, for us. When I said that I can't give this up - can't give you up - I meant it. I truly did. And I still feel that way. Very much so. But I need to take each day as it comes right now, and for us to continue as we are. That will have to be enough, for now. Okay?"

Jesse doesn't answer, just shifts in his seat.

"Okay?" Walt says again.

"Yeah."

"I'll call you tomorrow." 

Jesse nods, his hands braced on the wheel, thoughtful blue eyes looking into the distance.

Walt makes to leave, then thinks twice and stops to place his hand on top of Jesse's.

"Jesse, I want you to know this means a lot to me. It really does."

Jesse still doesn't answer, and Walt can feel the intense emotional energy emanating from his body. He wants to reassure him, but he knows he can't. He simply nods his goodbye and lets himself out. Jesse waits until Walt's in his car before driving away himself, but he doesn't look back or wave as he goes and Walt knows he's hurting.

He sits for a few minutes, contemplating the road ahead, both physically and metaphorically. Where can he and Jesse possibly go from here? He can't promise him a forever because it's not in his hands. He recalls their afternoon, how he brought Jesse to bliss not once but twice, and is relieved to find the same kick of adrenaline and excitement spike in his veins. Forever really doesn't matter as much as now, here, today. And he has Jesse now. He is his, utterly. And god, it feels so damn good. A buzz like no other. 

Walt's phone rings just as he's getting ready to make a move. It's Skyler, and she doesn't sound impressed.

"Walt, where are you? Have you forgotten we have Marie and Hank coming over for dinner tonight?"

Walt closes his eyes and touches the phone to his forehead. _Fuck!_ Of course he's forgotten. 

"Walt? Are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Sorry. I'm on my way. I got kind of... caught up. I met with, er... Do you remember Larry and Su--"

"Walt," Skyler interrupts him. "Just come back now from... wherever you are, okay? They're arriving at seven thirty and I don't want to have to make any more excuses."

"Skyler, I'm sorry, okay? I'm on my way." 

Jesse must be almost home by now, if not already there. Walt wonders how he is, starts dialling his number but decides against it. Tomorrow. All that must be tomorrow. That's the logical, sensible, mature way to be... 

But the need in him is a physical animal now. As he drives back to his house, preparing himself for an evening with Hank and Marie - because that too is logical, sensible, mature - his whole body aches with the urge to drive the other way instead and follow Jesse home, wrap himself around him and never leave again.


End file.
